Brazilian journalist, writer and editor Gabriela Lessa is hosting a pitch contest with four guest judges, all of them editors at Sourcebooks, for the first paragraph and a one-sentence pitch of completed manuscripts. Sign ups will continue through Tuesday, but through Monday you can post the entry on your blog and receive critiques from other participants.
I have two flavors for you to choose between—a version that does vs. one that doesn't open with a prologue. Enjoy!
Name: Michelle Fayard
Title: THE UNDERGROUND GIFT
Genre: Historical YA
Word count: 80,000
Judge: Leah Hultenschmidt
Original one-sentence pitch:
One-sentence pitch incorporating author Marlena Cassidy's input:
When Josepha, a slave, meets abolitionist Reeca Fitzgerald, she is persuaded to help conceal coded messages—until sadistic Bushwhacker Benjamin Michaelson becomes fixated with destroying the two teens.
First paragraph, if I don't have a prologue:
Josepha eased the brush through her mistress’ auburn hair. A draft threw light from the fireplace against the walls and into the corners. The woman’s sigh joined the shadows. “You have healing hands, child. I wish they could ease my worried heart.”
Josepha slid the brush closer until it reached the older woman’s temples. Her mistress turned to face her. “Josepha. My husband is selling you away.”
First paragraph, if I do have a prologue:
Reeca lifted her head from a hard straw pillow. A greasy quilt trapped her legs. With a trembling hand she touched blood and broken skin on her head, her breasts. She winced.
A blade of light cut the gloom as the iron door creaked open. "You didn’t really mean to leave me now, did you, Reeca?" Benjamin Michaelson whispered. His mocking laughter echoed against the stone walls.
Let me know if you're participating in this contest, so I can be sure to visit your blog.
12 comments:
I thought both pieces were excellent, but found the prologue especially riveting! Good luck!
Man, if only I had a completed manuscript!
Anyway, enough of my woes. I'm wondering if you want the pitch to focus on your antagonist of the story. If it's more about Reeca and Josepha (and the five chapters I've read focus solely on Josepha and her relationships with her family and mistress), then maybe the pitch should focus more on them with a brief mention of Michaelson as a future menace.
Also, I definitely like the prologue version. While both are strong, the prologue opens up in a moment of tension while the one without starts softer, quieter. I like the tension the prologue produces.
Then again, the prologue does open up in the middle of the story. Without the prologue, you get a sense of Josepha and her charter, which is important as she is one of the mains of your novel. If you're trying to pitch it based solely on one paragraph, the prologue-less version might be a stronger contender following your pitch.
I hope that the contest goes well for you, Michelle! Your manuscript is good, and you definitely deserve to get recognition for your hard work.
Good luck! I love both of your openings. Alas, I am not in the contest because none of the judges are looking for my genre (at least in an aduly novel).
By the way, there's an award for you on my blog!
@marysmerrysmusings, welcome to Bird's-eye View! I'm hopping over to your blog right now.
@Marlena, ah, but asked how long it's been since the day I started this manuscript. :) Your feedback about spinning the focus more onto Josepha and Reeca is extremely helpful, especially given that you've read the five-chapter excerpt posted on my WIP page. I wish I could move past the fact that I feel compelled to mention Benjamin Michaelson first, since without his evil soul, there would be no book. As for the first graph, I might have to ask one of our kitties to cast a vote. :)
@Alexia, I wish your novel Countless were in the contest, because it's such a winner. Thank you very much for honoring me with the Liebster Blog award!
Hi there,
Great pitch! I think you should skip the prologue. Paired with your pitch, your prologue obviously opens in the middle of the story, and a lot of editors find that to be a real turn-off. Let the pitch do its job, and go without the prologue. Just my two cents.
Both are good, but the second one is more dramatic because of the obvious danger Reeca is in.
Most enjoyable, loved the read.
Yvonne.
I'm with Mary, I thought both pieces were excellent, but the prologues was the one that grabbed me! Good luck for the competition.
Ellie Garratt
@Ishta, welcome to Bird's-eye View, and thank you for being a new follower! You and Marlena have convinced me to go sans prologue for this contest; I very much appreciate your advice.
@J.L., yes, I know what you mean about the dramatic impact of the prologue. What has made the decision difficult for me is it's not a prologue in the classic sense, as the book is told from both Josepha and Reeca's POVs; whose voice should go first has been a longstanding debate. Time-line wise, Josepha comes first, so I think that should be my first graph after all. But, oh, I'll miss the other one. :)
@Yvonne, thanks for stopping by!
@Ellie, oh no, after reading your and J.L.'s comments, that prologue is tugging at me again. :) Maybe it's not a case of good vs. bad but two different flavors of good.
I love this new pitch! It gets right down into the meat of the story and then introduces the main antagonist who's going to try hard to ruin everything. It's much more focused and concise. If I were an agent, I would definitely give your manuscript some love.
PS: You rock more, Michelle!
I agree with Marlena, the second pitch is much better! I feel it shows more of the elements of your story, especially since the idea came to you because of the quilts.
While your prologue is very well written, I would go with the non-prologue version. You still have a major shock factor plus you won't be repeating yourself and giving away a later part of the story.
Still anxious to see who won the Ondine book!
I tagged you here: http://brookerbusse.blogspot.com/2011/08/making-something-simple-into-game-of.html
@Marlena, I'm so glad you took time to read the rewrite and comment on it--and that you got me started on the right path to begin with.
@Brooke, you've just made it two votes, and that means it's turning into a trend. I'm going with the new-and-improved 30-word pitch. And as difficult as it was to decide, the Josepha opener wins. :)
BTW, the Ondine winners are listed at http://michellefayard.blogspot.com/2011/08/is-it-safe-to-put-your-work-out-there.html.
I'm not sure I'm very good at answering tag questions. Ah, former journalists. We're used to being the ones asking, not answering, the questions! Let me see if I can unplug a little more and give this a go ...
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