Agent Kathleen Rushall of Marsal Lyon Literary Agency and YA author Monica Bustamante Wagner will be this week's judges.
So bring on your red pens! Even if you're not participating in the blogfest, I hope you'll take a moment to leave a comment, because I deeply value your feedback.
Name: Michelle Fayard
Title: The Underground Gift
Genre: Historical YA
Length: 93,000
Prologue—September 1861
Reeca lifted her head from a hard straw pillow. A greasy quilt trapped her legs. With a trembling hand she touched blood and broken skin on her head, her breasts. She winced.
Snatches of rough voices and singing pushed through the smoky air. The rhythmic slap and scrape of metal grew louder then stopped. A blade of light cut the gloom as someone slowly opened a heavy iron door.
"You didn't really mean to leave me now, did you, Reeca?"
Reeca pressed back against the cold stones. Suddenly she remembered the papers. And Josepha. And how badly she had failed.
"Dear God," she whispered, "where am I?"
Chapter 1—December 1860
Josepha eased the brush through her mistress' auburn hair. A draft threw light from the fireplace against the walls and into the corners. The woman's sigh joined the shadows.
"You have healing hands. I wish they could ease my worried heart."
Josepha slid the brush closer until it reached the older woman's temples. Her mistress turned to face her.
"Josepha. My husband is sending you away."
The brush clattered to the floor.
"It's to pay off a gambling debt. Benjamin Michaelson agreed to own you instead of clinking more coins in his pocket."
51 comments:
Oh Michelle, I love it. Historical/Historical Fiction is near and dear to my heart. When I am not writing children's picture books, my novels are based on historical events. Thank you for sharing this with the world. I hope it gets picked up because it sounds beautiful.
My red pen is staying firmly capped because there isn't anything I would change with these first two hundred words. Can I just say that I love your opening lines. It's a beautiful, tense, suspenseful way to open up your novel.
Fair disclaimer--I'm not a huge fan of historical fiction. (I know, I know--but I might LEARN something!) So I don't have a lot of advice, just some thoughts that should be discarded if they don't jive with the genre. Of if you disagree. :)
That said, I do think your story is compelling--slave stories have wonderful built-in conflict and tension. So just a few thoughts.
1--Starting at an exciting part that happens near the story climax and then jumping back to where the story ACTUALLY starts can be seen as a cheat. It can also detract from really getting to know the character, because the reader is too busy skimming ahead to find the exciting part again. Though lots of readers don't mind this device, I find it slightly annoying--but mostly because I don't want to know what's coming, and I don't want to be constantly guessing as to the identity of the mysterious man. Perhaps you can use that part as an excerpt for advertisement purposes, but cut it from the first page? Then readers can skip it if they don't want to know. Just a thought.
2--the part below "chapter 1" is devoid of reaction from Josepha, other than dropping the brush (badly shocked). Is she "good slave" or does she genuinely love her mistress? What were her expectations? Obviously you can't pack all that into one page, but a few hints would go a long way--like saying she tried to be gentle so as not to disturb her thoughts or something like that.
3--I really don't know myself, but would a slave owner share such details with a slave that's about to be sold? Maybe she would normally or maybe the situation compelled her to greater honesty, but she's giving this info to someone who will be owned by someone else. Seems dangerous and foolhardy.
It's a great inciting incident, though--finding out I'm going to be sold to a new master would certainly make my heart pound!
Good luck!
I'm not a huge fan of prologues, so I don't know if I'm the best to critique the first part since I agree with Robin about the jumping back and forth part. HOWEVER, I'm so guessing this is common in historical fiction.
What I do like is the imagery and dialogue. You made me feel like I am a part of the event (this HAS to be a big part of historical fiction). Really liked that I could visualize everything. Great job!
Hi, KP, I would love to know more about your books, because I guess you can tell I'm crazy about historical novels too. :) They might take longer to research and write, but they sure are soul satisfying.
Marlena, I'm so glad to hear the first 200 words passed the "suspenseful" test. The book's POV alternates between Reeca and Josepha, although Josepha has a somewhat larger role, and I faced a huge challenge trying to get both of them some air time within the first couple of pages. :)
Robin, you are so right; readers either love or hate prologues. I can't tell you how many times I took this out and put it back in! Your second point is making me think. Did you think the sentence "Josepha slid the brush closer until it reached the older woman's temples" shows that Josepha cares about her mistress and doesn't want her to grieve over what can't be changed? Aha, I've got you thinking about why would a slave owner share such things with a slave; Mrs. Jackson-Louis isn't a slave owner; only her husband is. As the chapter unfolds, you'll learn who she really is.
Alleged Author, I think I would have tanked the prologue if the book's POV didn't alternate between Reeca and Josepha. When I pull the prologue, it feels as if readers are having to wait too long to meet Reeca, as she doesn't re-enter the book until the sixth chapter. I am so glad the words made you feel as if you were there, that you could visualize the scene. It's the way I got used to writing when I was in the newsroom; old habits die hard, I guess. :)
I must be different than others because I don't mind prologues. I have heard that LOTS of readers skip them.
What I did like about the prologue was the tension. I also liked that you connected the prologue to the first chapter by the name Josepha. I also like how tight and concise it was.
I also thought the sale of a slave is a great inciting incident. Nice job.
Angie, I know what you mean. My mom skips prologues. Then again, she also reads the ending first. Ack! I had to make her promise not to do so with this manuscript but wait to see how/if Reeca and/or Josepha escape. :)
Hi Michelle:
Loved your excerpt and think your prologue is great. I don't mind prologues but know there's a controversy out there, apparently, about them. (hmmm...future blog post topic?) My own is only 300 words so I think you've nailed it with the shorter the better.
Good luck!
I really liked this the first time I read it a couple of weeks ago. I like it even better now. No red pen here.
Beautiful prose! Hmmm, prologues. I don't mind them but many in the book biz do, although they seem to get away with them in movies--so unfair!
I don't have a problem with prologues when they are done well. I do like the exciting beginning and I want to know more.
Hi Michelle,
I thought the prologue was haunting. I loved the whole thing. Especially the dialog. I could really "hear" it, with a Southern accent and all, because it sounds so authentic.
I loved this line - "You didn't really mean to leave me now, did you, Reeca?" Not even totally sure what I loved about it so much, it just gave me the heebie jeebies.
I could use some dialog tags in the chapter one section.
I empathize with you as a fellow prologue-haver. It seems odd to me that some people dislike them so strongly. I like the glimpse of what happens later, it makes me want to know how the story will get from point A to point B. For myself, I have a non-prologue version of Stormland ready to send to agents that have said they don't like prologues.
Great job! Good luck!
Hi Michelle,
Lovd your prologue and I beleive in it because to me it's notice of good things coming!
Wow - what a strong opening for a novel. I was hooked and wanted to read more. My suggestions are going to be picky details and could easily be ignored.
For me, the prologue created a very strong image in my mind, and the writing was lovely.
I wanted to know a little more about the speaker of the line: "You didn't really mean to leave me now, did you, Reeca?" At least the gender.
The line "The woman's sigh joined the shadows" didn't really make sense to me, even though the words sound fluid and lovely together.
I thought the action of the brush falling to the floor was such a great way to show her reaction, without any telling at all.
Wow! Great beginning.
To be honest, At first, I didn't know who was speaking. It became obvious by the third line of dialogue. But I don't like not knowing right away who's talking. The story's being shown from the slave's point of view, but it's the master's wife who's talking. I'd prefer something like, "You have healing hands," the white woman said... or, the master's wife said... whatever works.
I always read prologues. I was surprised the first time someone told me lots of writers skip them. I also tend not to be a skipper (spoiler), so I'd have just kept on reading. But that's me.
I was confused though in the prologue. I didn't know who that person was who spoke to Reeca. With the Josepha reference, I first thought it was that person, so when the chapter started with Josepha, I had to go back and read things again.
LOVE your imagery. It really pulled me in.
You're clearly a talented writer. Love the prose and the subtlety. As far as prologues go, I always read them, but I don't write them =P
Michelle, this gave me goosebumps! That poor, poor woman. Beautifully written. I found it captivating and I wanted more. The prologue is so stunning that I sort of wish it was the actual start to the book and that the beginning of chapter one was written in as small flashbacks.
Hope this gets published, I would love to read the rest!
Hi Michelle! I'd love to talk shop a little more and tell you about my ideas for the future and what I'm working on now. I'm on the search for friends who speak that language. Haha! It's probably too much for these comments but I'm open for emails. Sound good to you? You can reach me at kpsimmon@gmail.com
The line "The woman's sigh joined the shadows" is beautiful and lyrical but I'm not sure what you mean by it.
I wanted to get a better feeling of Josepha and her mistress, their relationship, their personalities.
And this is the editor in me, you need a comma after the phrase "With a trembling hand"
Other than that, I enjoyed the excerpt!
I'm in the no-prologue camp - but at the same time it lets us know she's about to go from good to bad, but then you do that again in your opening. Your writing style is very clean and I'm worried about Reeca already.
rewrighter, I love the idea of prologue vs. no prologue being a future blog post! I think it's like the advice not to write rhyming PFs, yet you see them published all the time. It can be easy to use a prologue as a device, but well done they are a tantalizing gift to the reader.
Rosi, I love it that you noticed the subtle differences and like them. I've updated the five-chapter excerpt to include these rewrites.
jamieayers, what's with the celluloid trade getting away with what we can't. :)
Linda, I think you've hit the nail on the head that it doesn't really matter whether we do or don't have a prologue but whether the beginning hooks you and you want to read more. If you've done that, then you've made the right choice regarding prologues.
Sharon, you've just made my day saying you could hear a Southern accent. I had to do a ton of research to make sure I could pull this off, because I know that's another no-no we're told to avoid--dialect.
You also brightened my day when you said the line "You didn't really mean to leave me now, did you, Reeca?" creeped you out. I needed to set the scene about what's in store for the two protagonists, and that can be tricky to do in 200 words--introduce the major players and the problem and the setting. :)
I love your idea of having a prologue-less version of your manuscript. Did this cause you to change up the rest of your beginning chapters very much?
Great suspense, Michelle. I loved the imagery and language in this excerpt, and I'm definitely in the camp with those who'd like at least the gender of the person who speaks in the prologue.
This is silly, but Reeca touches blood on her head and breasts. Maybe it's because I don't read much historical fic, but my first thought was that she was naked.... Anyway, reader response--sometimes it's helpful.
I agree with those who wanted to be a little more inside Josepha's head in Ch1, to understand the emotion of the situation more.
An evocative opening! Great job.
--Lora
Nas, I always respect your opinion, knowing you've read hundreds of books and have learned what does and doesn't work and when it's OK to break "the rules."
Andrea, I love your suggestion for adding a gender qualifier to the prologue dialogue. Would you believe I almost tanked the brush lines, concerned they wouldn't work? It's difficult to show someone's reaction when they're in a setting where they're not supposed to show any reactions.
Richard, I appreciate your insightful comments. Let me see what I can do to more fully ground the reader.
Donna, hopefully my incorporating Andrea's advice about adding a gender reference to that line in the prologue will make the entire section more clear. Thank you!
Lori, I always find it fascinating that we don't always write what we read. :)
Awesome start! I personally love prologues, and can't imagine why anyone would skip them. They set the tone of the story for crying out loud!
I don't read as many historal novels as I should, but the ones I do I almost always love. And my favorite book of all time is set in the Civil War era, so huge cootoes!
My one question for you is about Josepha's "mistress". Is it Recca? I got the sense it wasn't but I couldn't quite be certain. Maybe you could mention a name and clear it up easily.
~K.V. Briar
Lindy, thank you very much for your comments and for being a new follower of Bird's-eye View. I didn't want to mention this in the post, but I have the first five chapters of the book available online at scribd.com. You can get there either from the Work in Progress page (the link at the top of my blog) or the Love Civil War novels link on the right side of my blog. Wishing you a great day!
KP, I'll be sure to send a message to you via e-mail.
Nicole, you've moving opinion to trend with the sigh/shadow comment. Back to the drawing board. :)
JRo, that's a great compliment you've given, saying you got hooked even though you're not a prologue person. Had I not had two characters sharing the POV, I wouldn't have written one either. :)
Lora, I'm glad you noticed the naked theme. Reeca's skin is exposed because her dress was torn during the scene that leads her to where she is now.
I think what your prologue does is propel us to that point. We want to find out how she got there, and what will happen next. Beautifully written.
I love both pieces! What you have in both that immediately pulls readers in is 1) full sensory descriptions and 2) some sort of movement, doing not just thinking, and 3) immediate conflict. I can feel the hard straw and my eyes almost squint when he opens the door. And I can see the soft light in the room and feel the soft hair. I totally get the shadows sentence and love it!
I've never read historical fiction, but it reads great to me! The writing is beautiful and descriptive, and makes me want to read on! I can see why you're already getting requests from agents.
Not a huge fan of historical fiction, but this was nice. The dropping of the brush happened a little abruptly. And pushing the brush toward the woman's temples ... wouldn't that mess up her hair? I thought brushes moved away from the temples. :) Good luck!
K.V., I love your advice to mention Mrs. Jackson-Louis' name sooner. You're right; she's a different character than Reeca. But now you've made me curious ... What is your favorite Civil War novel?
Amy, I'm glad the prologue worked for you. :) On the other hand, it's OK if readers want to skip it, because it won't ruin the plot. It just means having to wait for Reeca to have her first speaking lines until Chapter 6.
Alexia, as a big fan of your beautifully written novel, your words mean a lot to me. Thanks!
Amber, luckily the mistress' hair is down for the night and Josepha lifted the brush from Mrs. Jackson-Louis' head before repositioning it closer to her temples. Unless, of course, the two were foreshadowing beehive hairdos from the 1960s. :)
My publisher axed my prologue. I see now this was a good decision. Best, I think, to just begin and move forward. Whatever was in the forward can come in where it fits chronologically.
Otherwise, the only thing that bothers me is the same thing that bothers Richard (above). The reader does want to know right away who is speaking.
Thanks for your comment just now on MY blog. It's always great seeing your lovely "face."
Ann Best, Author of In the Memoir, A Memoir of Shattered Secrets
I love your idea of having a prologue-less version of your manuscript. Did this cause you to change up the rest of your beginning chapters very much?
Good question. I did change them, but not drastically. I changed a few lines in chapter one to enhance details that you get from the prologue - like that Lena's parents died. But the main issue was stylistic. The first 200 words of your novel get so much attention, I wasn't satisfied with them sans prologue. I changed the start of chapter one to make it a more attention grabbing scene and was careful to add details about the world and characters to orient the reader.
If you're curious...I did have a draft where I used both the prologue and the more-attention grabbing scene for chap 1, but the two tense scenes from different times and places back to back disoriented some people, and in the end I agreed.
I actually liked the prologue more than the beginning of the chapter. It was beautifully written and very powerful because we had no idea what was happening along with the protagonist.
The first section seemed mundane in comparison and the jumping in time was a little jarring.
I really liked it. The only problem I have is the way you use the prologue. It's kind of a cheat, picking a point later on in the story, dropping it into the beginning so you can have a dramatic point early on.
I think your writing is really good and you don't need to rely on tricks like that. The hook in chapter 1 comes early and it is effective. It tells me in a moment the lead character's station in life and where the novel is headed. I don't feel that I need to know she's headed for beatings and such, in fact I think the mystery of having a new owner might be more effective than simply coming out and telling us she has beatings and abuse in her future. IMO the possibility of future abuse can be more intriguing than certainty.
However, with or without the prologue, excellent writing.
Ann, you're always such a day brightener! I'm OK with killing my prologue if the agent/editor is too. I don't think I'd have considered a prologue if I didn't have two protagonists, one black and one white, manipulated by the same man, Bushwhacker-turned-slave-catcher Benjamin Michaelson. I can't tell you the number of times I've taken out and added in that poor prologue!
Kate, let me see what I can do to up the volume in the beginning of Chapter 1 as well as smooth the flow of time. Thank you!
Mark, you're right it's not cool at all to cheat. I'd be curious to hear how the non-prologue fans would feel about having to wait until Chapter 6 to first "meet" Reeca, if the prologue were tanked. I don't mind killing off the prologue, if I believed readers wouldn't mind the trade off; had I only one protagonist, a prologue-less version it would be, hands down. :)
Sharon, thank you very much for taking time to write back. In the end, if you know you've taken all advice to heart, you do have to go with your gut. Although some books with prologues might have been better or at least as good without them, there are some that I just can't imagine them starting any other way. I'm glad you know when it's time to keep your prologue in. Go for it!
First, let me say, beautiful writing!
I agree the prologue and beginning of first chapter were disorienting, and I actually caught on better when reading through the comments. I love both prologue and chapter one, but try to find a way to build a bridge between them.
If I was Josepha's mistress, I'd be furious about letting my favorite personal slave go due to my husband's gambling debt. Try a more passioned response or a 'beneath the surface' boil for the wife of the master.
I love prologues. I always read them with interest, thinking, "pay attention, this is going to matter in the book.". I also liked the opening scene and the jolting news to Josepha that she's about to be sold. It's clear that she and the mistress are close, so i think the mistress would confide why. but I agree with a couple of comments:
In the prologue I'd like to know who's threatening Reeca, and I'd like a stronger highlighting remark about Josepha, since she opens the story in chapter one. And I too would like to know Josepha's feelings, just a brush stroke or two. After all, she'll be leaving her family. Also, her new master may be worse than the one she's got. Maybe she's even heard about Michaelso through the slave grapevine.
Otherwise, I think it's a strong beginning.
Donna, let me see what I can do to make the transition from the prologue to Chapter 1 less disorienting. I know; lose the prologue. :) No, let me first look for the bridge you suggested. Mrs. Jackson-Louis is more sad and resigned than furious--and could it be that instead of wasting energy on fury, she had a plan? Stay tuned ...
Elizabeth, I always value your comments, as I admire your skill as a historical fiction writer. Isn't it interesting that what seems like a disorienting bump to one reader is a compelling jolt for another? I have a question though. Would it spoil the suspense of wondering who's talking to Reeca in the prologue if I give a name or even a gender? Reeca is so dazed in this scene and it's so noisy around her, it's not easy for her to distinguish voices. I can't resist the pun of asking if dropping the brush isn't enough of a "brush" stroke regarding Josepha's feelings. :)
@Michelle "I don't mind killing off the prologue, if I believed readers wouldn't mind the trade off; had I only one protagonist, a prologue-less version it would be, hands down. :)"
I can't say that without reading Chapter 6. It all depends on how you introduce her, but unless the quality of your writing drops significantly after the first 200 words I'm sure it works. It's natural to be hesitant about your writing and worry whether readers will 'get it'. At a certain point you just have to trust your audience. I struggled with a prologue too, but I now feel my manuscript is much better without it.
Hello Michelle! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog today. I'm happy to follow back ~ :)
I love the lyrical quality of your prose. You paint such beautiful images.
I'm torn about the prologue, though. While beautifully written, it only mentions Josepha in passing - who, from the first chapter, seems to be your MC? I feel like you're getting me interested in Reeca's story with the prologue...but, by jumping into Josepha's story, I'm wondering how long I'll have to wait to find out about Reeca? Something to think about...but, otherwise it looks like a great start! Best of luck with this. :)
This is a great way to start off the story. One part that gave me trouble was "Suddenly she remembered the papers. And Josepha. And how badly she had failed." I would take out the and before Josepha. I think it would read easier. I liked the "brush clattered to the ground" it says a lot with few words. I would have liked though a reaction from the mistress. Great story it sounds very interesting and you have caught my attention :)
You sucked me in, delighted my senses and aroused my curiosity in the poetic prologue. I loved it! I liked the line about her sighs in the shadows and had an understanding of it.
I enjoyed chap 1 as well. I would, however, use a different verb than slid.
Well done! I'm learning so much from you.
Beautiful writing and a compelling story. I'd definitely read this off the shelf!!
My only concern is the same as many have voiced here, and that is the use of a prologue. I've been to several workshops where lit. agents specifically warn against them. That said, I think yours is nice and short, and conveyed wonderful imagery.
Mark, you've offered the most compelling reason yet for me to seriously reconsider killing the prologue. Thank you!
Donna, the book's arcs alternate between Reeca and Josepha to show how hate might be different--or the same--if you're skin is a different color. The two protagonists pretty much share equal air time, although Josepha gets just a bit more.
Josh, welcome to Bird's-eye View, and thank you for being a new follower! I like your idea about removing the extra "and"s.
Kathy, I've had mini agonies over that word "slid." "Dragged" was even worse. I'll be glad when I finally hit upon the right one!
Christina, welcome to Bird's-eye View, and thank you for being a new follower! I think the agents are right to strongly caution against prologues, because it makes us authors really think twice about whether ours breaks the rules in a good way or just breaks down the manuscript.
I like it, Michelle. I don't mind prologues, if they truly add to the story, and only you can say if it does at this point as I haven't read your whole novel. But you are a good writer and your 200 words are beautiful so I trust you.
You have great images and description. I don't usually read historical fiction, but this is a subject I'm interested in and, even more importantly, you make me interested!
Laura, thanks for the vote of confidence--and the compliment. It is amazing and awe inspiring that with the right words you can move someone to care about something they normally wouldn't read.
Hi Michelle! I agree with the compliments expressed above: your voice is beautiful, haunting and compelling. I'm not typically a fan of prologues, but I'm not opposed to them either, so I think you should perhaps just workshop both ideas and pick the one that feels right. It is a very strong prologue... :)
LisaAnn, I'm so taken with the beginning of your book that your advice means a lot to me. Thank you!
Of course, Michelle! And thank you so much... We are definitely mutual fans, as I'm totally captivated by your story and ready to see it on bookshelves!
i love it! the time setting is genius!
Amna, welcome to Bird's-eye View! And thank you very much for your comment and the setting. The Kansas-Missouri border on the eve of and the early days the Civil War was a particularly bad place to be, sometimes for both sides.
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